法庭笑話

原本是英文內容,我簡單翻成中文。

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

律師:那天早上妳丈夫說的第一件事是什麼?
證人:他說:"凱西,我在哪裡?"
律師:那妳為何沮喪?
證人:我叫蘇珊。

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

律師:發生衝撞時,你坐在什麼交通工具裡?
證人:我穿著 Gucci 毛衣和 Reeboks 鞋子。

gear:齒輪傳動工具,也可以翻成"衣物"。

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

律師:當時你性慾高漲嗎?
證人:不,我只是躺在哪兒。

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

律師:這個"肌無力重症"會影響到你記憶力嗎?
證人:是啊。
律師:那是以何種方式影響你的記憶力?
證人:我忘了。
律師:你忘了?你能不能舉些你已經忘記的事情來說明?

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

律師:你女兒有沒有沈迷於巫毒?
證人:我倆都有。
律師:巫毒?
證人:都有。
律師:你們都有?
證人:是的,巫毒。

ps. 這篇笑點在英文押韻。

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

律師:醫生,睡眠中死亡的人,是不是要到第二天早上他才會知道?
證人:你真的通過律師考師嗎?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

律師:這位20歲的小兒子,他年紀幾歲?
證人:20,跟你的智商一樣。

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

律師:你拍照時候在現場嗎?
證人:你有毛病嗎?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid

律師:所以該嬰兒是在八月八日受孕的?
證人:是的。
律師:當時你在做什麼?
證人:我正躺著。

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

律師:她有三個孩子,對吧?
證人:是的。
律師:幾個男孩?
證人:沒有男孩。
律師:有女孩嗎?
證人:法官,我覺得我該換位律師,我可以換新的律師嗎?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

律師:你第一任婚姻是怎麼結束的?
證人:死亡。
律師:誰死了?
證人:你猜猜看。

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

律師:請你描述一下當事人長相。
證人:大約中等身材,滿臉鬍鬚。
律師:他是男的女的?
證人:除非當時馬戲團到城裡表演,否則我會以為他是男的。

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

律師:你今早出庭,是不是因為我寄給你律師的出庭通知?
證人:不,我工作時候穿著就是這樣。

appearance:出庭,也可以翻成"穿著"。

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

律師:醫生,你解剖過多少死屍?
證人:全部囉。拿活人解剖,還有段很長路要走。

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

律師:注意,你必須"口頭"答覆所有問題?你上什麼學校?
證人:"口頭"。

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The auto psy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

律師:你記得屍檢時間嗎?
證人:屍體解剖在晚上八點半開始。
律師:丹頓先生那時死了没有?
證人:他要没死的話,那就是我在八點半把他幹掉了。

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

律師:你有資格做尿檢嗎?
證人:你有資格問這問題嗎?

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

律師:醫生,你解剖屍體前,檢查過病人脈搏嗎?
證人:沒有。
律師:血壓?
證人:沒有。
律師:呼吸?
證人:沒有。
律師:你解剖屍體前,病人有沒有可能還活著?
證人:不可能。
律師:你怎能這麼肯定,醫生?
證人:因為他腦袋正好放在我桌上的罐子裡。
律師:我瞭解了,不過病人還是有可能活著啊?
證人:是啊,搞不好他正在法庭中滔滔不絕的表演法律把戲呢。

 

參考文章
[法律] 世界最荒谬的十大法律

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